I inadvertently attended a Red Hat Society meeting. It just so happened they were having a gathering at the restaurant I was eating my lunch at. They were seated so closely I could not help but be drawn to their crazy feathered hats and purple grandma sweaters. I was staring at them with the same disgusted look on my face that I am sure they have given a thousand times to the floppy haired kids with tattoos and piercings. I don’t think I ever imagined that these groups really existed. I am not much of a “joiner” but I thought if these ladies enjoyed assembling in the name of looking foolish, more power to them. With much observation I realized that none of them were smiling. Their faces were outright despondent. The body language of the ladies started making me uncomfortable, and I became a little worried about them. Did they really want to be there, or did somebody just dress them up and prop them in those chairs?

The Queen Mother of this batch of ladies (yes, they call the leaders Queen Mother) was quite the grandstander. Not only did she want the attention of her minions, but the entire restaurant. She was so loud, you could not even stop yourself from staring if you wanted to. In her giant feather hat and matching boa she hollered, “Everybody say hello to Clara. Clara came all the way from North Dakota on the choo-choo to have lunch with us.” I was wondering if Clara regretted her decision yet. Next she made an offering to all around the table. They could take home some of her second hand purses that matched the necessary wardrobe. Gee, could I have one of your old dirty handbags with a used plastic comb to tease my hair, a crummy mint loose on the bottom, and the bonus of a recycled tissue?

Next thing on the agenda…voting on where to have lunch for their next fancy affair. The kingpin made her announcement of the choices. Judging by her bravado, I had no doubt that 60 years earlier she was head cheerleader and prom queen, and she was still fighting to be the center of attention. She was really pushing for a particular restaurant, and I am not sure that her followers were comprehending. She let them raise their hands for the first restaurant, and I counted the votes in my head. Second vote, hands raised…I count. Now, by my numbers, the second restaurant won, by the chiefs numbers, the first restaurant won. I am not kidding, I swear she fudged the vote so she could have the buffet of her choice!! By the expressions of the wait staff in the eatery I was currently in, I think they were just thankful they weren’t coming back to visit them any time soon.

I checked the website for the Red Hat Society, and was surprised to see the conventions and functions all over the U.S. Somebody is making a killing on hideous red hats, and purple fabric. You can buy everything online, even kazoos. What do those women do with kazoos? I cringe at the thought. I was still trying to convince myself that this roundup of old ladies was a positive thing. Then I read on the website,

The standard answer to the question, “What do you do?” is… Nothing.

Nothing? Really? You are going to tell me your entire organization is pointless? That is, unless you are collecting money for the wardrobe, chapter dues, or Decade of Sparkle convention. Damn, I remember growing up my Mom warned me about groups who wanted all my money, and to blindly follow their rules. They were called cults.

I realized I haven’t written anything for a week. That doesn’t mean I haven’t wasted time wandering the internet aimlessly. I thought I would share with you two sites that have sucked an hour or two out of my life. I stopped by sleeveface.com to glance at the portraits of people using sleeves from LP’s (you remember actual records, right?) to conceal their face. Just go peek so I don’t have to explain it.

The second site would not be appropriate to visit at work, or if you are a youngster. That is your warning. Apparently Jay Leno said something stupid about looking at the camera and giving “your gayest look” to a guest. Some people decided to send a rebuttal his way. I was pleased that so many people participated. Jay is NOT my favorite talk show host. He is not as funny as David, and no way near as cute as Craig. (Craig makes me swoon.)